Justice Scalia’s Body Found “Lying Peacefully,” With A Pillow Over His Head

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Originally Published February 2016

No but seriously, Scalia did die with a pillow over his head. Which happens

The leading contender for the Conspiracyorgasmapalooza currently broiling through right-wing circles in the wake of the Justice’s sudden death is “Obama™”—a trusty go-to that’s worked so far (so why fuck with it, I suppose the reasoning goes).

However, even such a hotbed of anti-Obamaness as Breitbart had to poo-poo such suggestions (after, of course, getting the requisite clicks):

Of course, those theories cannot explain why, if the president had wanted Scalia (or another conservative jurist) dead, he would have waited past so many big decisions.

YOU’RE NO FUNNNN, BREITBART!!!

Moving right along, Alex Jones claims that his “gut” told him that Scalia was murdered. Lesser journos might have been enjoying their three-day weekends dallying upon their palatial ski-lodges and bathing in virgin cow’s milk at pampered elitist spas—but Jones was on the case:

My friends, it’s Saturday night, this is an emergency transmission. The question is, was Antonin Scalia murdered? And the answer to that is, has the Bill of Rights and Constitution been murdered? Has it been reported that members of the Supreme Court have been blackmailed? Yes it has. When they kill somebody they say, “it appears to be natural causes, nothing to see.” And I wish it was natural cause, but man, my gut tells me no. And if this is an assassination, this signifies that they are dropping the hammer.

They’re dropping the hammer, folks:

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That said, whenever you have a news report that a powerful guy was found dead of the vague term “natural causes” with a pillow over his head, it’s inevitable that these sorts of theories are going to swim about. Occam’s razor indicates that given Scalia’s age (79) and weight, it’s likely he did indeed die of “natural causes.” Which is not to say that older people have not been purposely and strategically knocked off for one reason or another during the entire course of human events since they pulled themselves out of the swamps and grew legs.

Again…so much in life dearly depends on what reality-tunnel you belong to.